What is shiva, and should I visit?

Shiva is the seven days of mourning that Jewish families observe at home after a funeral.Friends come by to comfort them, bring food and sometimes join prayers. Yes, you should visit if the family has shared shiva hours. Keep it short, let the mourners speak first, and don’t worry about saying the perfect thing. Bring food, not flowers.

1 · MindWhat happens

“Shiva” comes from the Hebrew word for seven. ReformJudaism.org explains that it begins after the burial and lasts about a week for the closest family: parents, children, siblings and spouses. Mourners stay home, ideally in the home of the person who died, and the community comes to them.

What you might see:

A memorial candle that burns all seven days.
Low chairs or stools where the mourners sit.
Covered mirrors. This is a custom, not a requirement of Jewish law, meant to show that how you look doesn’t matter right now.
Prayer services. A group of at least 10 adults, called a minyan, may gather so the mourners can say Kaddish, the mourner’s prayer.
An open door. In many homes, visitors walk in without knocking or ringing.

Practice varies. Public mourning is set aside on Shabbat (it still counts as one of the seven days), so families usually don’t receive visitors then. A major holiday can end it early, and some families keep a shorter shiva. The family will usually announce shiva hours at the funeral or online.

Flowers aren’t a Jewish mourning custom. Most rabbis discourage them, and many families ask for a charity donation instead.

What each tradition or community says

Jewish tradition

Comforting mourners is considered a mitzvah, a sacred duty. The point of shiva is that grieving people shouldn’t have to be alone, or go out into the world, right away.

Orthodox, Conservative and Reform families

Customs vary. Some keep every tradition, and others pick a few. Some families keep up customs they grew up with that others have never heard of.

Visitors who aren’t Jewish

You’re welcome. Guides for any visitor, from My Jewish Learning and the Orthodox Union, say the main thing is to be present, let the mourners lead, and not expect them to host you.

2 · HeartWhat it feels like

The hardest part of a shiva visit is walking in the door. Many people stay away because they don’t know what to say.

The tradition answers that for you: you don’t have to say much. You sit with them. Sitting quietly next to someone in grief is one of the kindest things one person can do for another.

Shiva isn’t about the right words. It’s about the open door, and you walking through it.Neighbor Radio

3 · HandsHow to be a good neighbor

Check the hours. Visit during the times the family shared, often around the morning or evening prayers. Don’t visit before the burial or on Shabbat.

Walk in quietly. If the door is open, you can come in. Many homes prefer you don’t ring the bell.

Let the mourner speak first. Then follow their lead. Talk about the person who died if they want to; silence is fine too. “I’m so sorry” is enough.

Bring food, labeled, if you like. Food is a common kindness in many communities, though not expected in all. Drop it in the kitchen. Many families keep kosher, so store-bought kosher food or fruit is safe, and labeling it “meat,” “dairy” or “pareve” (neither) helps.

Keep it short. Advice ranges from 15 minutes to an hour. Read the room.

If prayers start, stand or sit respectfully, or join in if you know them.

The traditional words on leaving: “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Simpler words are fine.

This weekIf a Jewish friend loses someone, ask when shiva hours are, put it on your calendar, and go, even for 15 minutes.

Plain wordsWhat do these words mean?

Shabbat: The Jewish Sabbath, a day of rest from Friday at sundown to Saturday night.
Rabbi: A Jewish teacher and leader who has studied Jewish law and tradition. Many lead synagogues.
Orthodox: For Christians: the Eastern Orthodox churches (Greek, Russian, Ethiopian and others). For Jews: the most traditional branch of Judaism. The word means “right belief.”
Kosher: Food that follows Jewish dietary laws. For example: no pork or shellfish, and meat and dairy kept apart.

All the plain words

Four questions to take with you

From the story of the Good Samaritan, the stranger who stopped to help. We call it the Good Neighbor Test.

Did they see? Or look right past?
Did they stop? Even when it was inconvenient?
Did it cost them? Time, money, comfort, reputation?
Did they treat the person like a person? Not like a label?

Try it on: the first week after the worst day of your life. Who would you want to walk through your door?

Quick questions

Can non-Jews go to a shiva?

Yes. Friends, coworkers and neighbors of any background are welcome during shiva hours.

What should I bring?

Food, ideally kosher if the family keeps kosher, or a donation to a charity the family names. Skip flowers.

What do I say?

‘I’m so sorry’ is enough. Wait for the mourner to speak first, and follow their lead.

How long should I stay?

Usually 15 to 30 minutes, sometimes up to an hour. Keep it short unless the family asks you to stay.

Sources and research

How this answer was made

Fact-checked October 15, 2026 against ReformJudaism.org, My Jewish Learning and Orthodox Union. Written in plain words by the Neighbor Radio team. Every fact is checked against what each community says about itself, in its own official sources, plus a neutral reference. Part of this community and something doesn't sound like you, or spot a mistake? Tell us. We read every note and fix mistakes.