What if my child leaves our faith?

It’s one of the most painful things a religious parent can face. Most traditions have something to say about it, and they mostly say: love comes first. The data shows that young people who leave religion often come back, often change again, and almost always remember whether their parents kept the door open. Your relationship with your child is worth more than winning the theological argument.

1 · MindWhat people believe, and how they know

Pew Research’s ongoing surveys show that religious switching is more common than it’s ever been in American history. Among adults who were raised religious, significant percentages have left their childhood religion. ‘Nones’, religiously unaffiliated Americans, are now about 28% of adults, up from 16% in 2007.

Research by sociologists Christian Smith, Melinda Lundquist Denton (Soul Searching, 2005) and their follow-up work found that the majority of American young people leave the religion of their upbringing at some point, and that the quality of parental relationship was a more reliable predictor of return than the frequency of religious involvement.

A 2011 study by the Barna Group found that most people who leave the church do so between 18 and 29, and that the top reasons include: feeling like the church is judgmental, feeling like it doesn’t engage their questions, and experiencing the church as hostile to doubt.

The prodigal son parable in Luke 15:11-32 addresses this directly from a Christian perspective: the father runs to meet the returning son, doesn’t lecture him about his absence, and throws a party. The message about how to hold the relationship is explicit.

What each tradition or community says

We're Christians, so we list what Christians believe first. Every other section is checked by someone from that faith or community.

Christian tradition

The prodigal son’s father saw him ‘yet a great way off’ and ran to him (Luke 15:20). He didn’t wait for an apology or an explanation. Many Christian pastoral counselors advise parents to focus on relationship above argument.

Jewish tradition

The concept of teshuvah (return) is central to Jewish thought. A Jew who has lapsed is still Jewish. The tradition allows for return. Family relationships are treated as primary in most rabbinic guidance.

Islam

Islam places enormous emphasis on honoring parents and maintaining family bonds. Scholars generally counsel parents to maintain relationship and continue to model faith without coercion.

Psychological perspective

Research consistently shows that adolescents and young adults who feel their parents’ love is unconditional, not conditional on religious agreement, are more likely to maintain relationship and more likely to return to faith communities.

2 · HeartWhat it feels like

If your child left your faith, this probably isn’t what you pictured when you held them for the first time. It can feel like losing them, or like a judgment on how you raised them.

It’s usually neither. It’s a journey, and it’s not finished.

The hardest and most important thing is to keep the door open without making every conversation about the open door. Love them without an agenda. That’s both the advice and the point.

The parents who kept loving, who called even when it was awkward, who showed up even when the kid didn’t come to church anymore, I’ve heard from their kids. The ones who issued ultimatums: I’ve heard from those kids too. The stories end differently.Neighbor Radio

3 · HandsHow to be a good neighbor

What helps: - Call to talk, not to correct. - Invite, don’t pressure. ‘We’d love for you to be there for Christmas’ is different from ‘You have to come to church.’ - Ask what they think and believe, with genuine curiosity. Not as a debate opener. - Tell them what your faith means to you, not as an argument, but as a share.

What usually doesn’t help: - Ultimatums. - Making every gathering about the elephant in the room. - Praying visibly and pointedly at them. - Asking them to explain themselves to other family members.

This weekThink of someone who modeled their faith without ever making you feel like you were failing a test. What did they do differently?

SourcesWhere it is in the scriptures

New Testament

Luke 15:11-32 Read it in the World English Bible on Free Scripture
Luke 15:20 Read it in the World English Bible on Free Scripture

Four questions to take with you

From Jesus' story of the Good Samaritan, about the stranger who stopped to help. We call it the Samaritan Test.

Did they see? Or look right past?
Did they stop? Even when it was inconvenient?
Did it cost them? Time, money, comfort, reputation?
Did they treat the person like a person? Not like a label?

Try it on: the version of your faith that a skeptical young person who loves you might actually be able to return to. What would that look like?

Quick questions

Should I keep inviting my child to church if they’ve said no?

Occasional, low-pressure invitations, ‘We’d love to have you’, are different from repeated pressure. Most pastoral advisors say invite warmly, accept the answer, and focus on the relationship.

Is this my fault?

Rarely. Religious leaving is driven by many factors, intellectual questions, painful experiences, relationships, life transitions, that aren’t primarily about parenting quality.

Will they come back?

Some do, some don’t, and some find their own form of faith. The research suggests the quality of the relationship is more predictive of that than any theological argument.

Sources and research

How this answer was made

Written in plain words by the Neighbor Radio team. Each faith's and community's section is checked by someone from that faith or community. Until then, this page says so. Spot something wrong? Tell us. We read every note and fix mistakes.